Today is 11/8/2015 ,these past few weeks have been really hard for me. Alex and i were doing his drivers training thing where he had to have "x" amount of hours in before he could go for his license we had about 30+ hours in so far before this all happened. He really was a good driver, and man he always had the tunes up and never once did i not see a smile on his face. He loved it, and the fact that he was gonna get his license in October and the suberu was gonna be his, he wanted to chop the exhaust and go to misgens and find a spoiler for the back and so many other things, he was so pumped about that. There is where I am struggeling. We were gonna get the John Deere sled all fixed up, Alex started tearing down the little Trail 50 Honda mini bike we were gonna repaint it this winter and get it running for spring, this fall he wanted me to teach him about all the saws and tools in the shop because he wanted to build his christmas gifts for family this year( out of wood).
Alex had a plan to go around to all the neighbors and make them an offer to mow their lawns with the lawn mower he got from our very kind neighbor Marvin, for free Alex just had to fix it up and get it working, and he did. There were so many things , the new camper, he was a big part of the decision to get it, he wanted it so bad, now we have it and a site at Brookside ,and all this and so much more that him and I had planned and now................ There are days where I feel as though Im gonna crash and i cry and talk to him and swear he brings me back to reality and the here and now. There are times I cant handle being in my shop alone, I feel he draws me back to it. There are times I feel I dont want to go on, I think He makes me realize I have a beautiful wife , my daughter and my Other son to hold on for. I just hope there are times when Alex realizes part of me died the day I came home to be one of the first ones there and to do what I did, no father EVER should have to do CPR on his own child, I tried we were just to late, I couldn't save you, and god was there for you before me.You are an amazing boy my son and I so miss you. What now of all our plans, that is what i need to figure out, if I ever will be able to. I Love you and miss you so bad my son, my life will not EVER be the same, My heart will never be whole again, but still beats on for you and for me. The Beat Goes On my dear boy, you make me proud to have been your father, I only wish I could have finished the job.
Love forever, Dad